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Gay Zombie Hunters Dilemma
The title of this article may lead you to believe that I hunt gay zombies. This is untrue, mostly because zombies who were once gay humans are now too gross to still be considered 'gay'. Their cards were revoked long ago. No no, I am a gay hunter of zombies, and I need your advice. Now that the world has been overrun with flesh eating monsters its' become more difficult to find fashionable merchandise. No longer are the days of Channel spring lines and Ikea super sales. Now we must scavenge the city, risking our lives in a quest for that perfect pair of shoes. Often I pretend like I'm living out Pretty Woman, except now when the clerks don't let me shop I take action with a double shot gun. I say 'we' because there are others that survived. Not many, but there are a few. Mostly goths in black netting with pale white faces; apparently they looked too dead already. I was very lucky myself. You see, that particular day was a 'me' day, where I locked my doors, turned off the phones and played Madonna, Cher, and Britney Spears on rotation for 18 hours. How fabulous! In any case I missed the worst of it, and when I awoke from my blissful stupor I realized that my peaceful shopping days were over. Now lets get back to the real problem. I decided to go for a stroll through the city on a mission to obtain a set of dinnerware to match my couch and coaster set. I plan to use them if the world ever repopulates enough to justify social events (hopefully with the 'right' type of people this time around, if you know what I mean). Never can be too prepared. So I put on my Egyptian cotton shirt, pin stripe pants and pushed my way past the outdated Ugg boots in my closet to grab my running shoes (hey, I can't be all glamour when battling the undead). Then I grabbed my pink 'girl power' chainsaw and went to town. Current day, it has been fairly uneventful; easy jog past the mass of slow-moving decayed masses. That is until I am now met with the hardest choice I've ever had to make. From out of the crowds has come a familiar face. Who else could it be but the iconic American singer, film actress, director and producer extraordinaire? Yes, it is Barbara Streisand, and she is in the way. There are no 2 ways about it. If I want that crystal serving tray I am going to have to take my trusty pink chainsaw to her crooked zombie nose. Or should I accept defeat, and allow my role model to pass the curse on to me. Could be an honor really, but it could be the worst defeat of my life (and the end of it, for that matter). What should I do? Please, I need your help because my logic is not sound at the moment. Visit me at http://www.nolifeonline.com, and hurry! I do not have much time. Karl Mueller is an author and one of the founders of http://www.nolifeonline.com
MORE RESOURCES: RHOBH's Kyle Richards Shares Journey of Questioning Her Sexuality Amid Media Scrutiny - E! Online E! NEWS 'RHOBH' Star Kyle Richards Opens Up About Questioning Her Sexuality Amid Mauricio Umansky Separation Yahoo Entertainment What is demisexuality? I’m a Celebrity star Tulisa Contostavlos reveals her sexuality; know all about it Hindustan Times Why Tulisa no longer has sexual intercourse after announcing she's demisexual in I'm A Celeb episode LADbible Police Report Offers Graphic Details of Sexual Assault Claim Against Hegseth The New York Times Parents in Massachusetts School District Can’t Opt Out of ‘Sexuality,’ ‘Gender Identity’ Lessons The Lion 'Strange logic' surrounding sexuality & rape: If husband's needs are fulfilled 'this won't happen' FRANCE 24 English Lawsuit alleges IHOPKC failed to act when minor was sexually harassed, bullied at retreat Kansas City Star Police records reveal new details about sexual assault allegation against Pete Hegseth The Washington Post 'RHOBH' Star Kyle Richards Opens Up About Questioning Her Sexuality Amid Mauricio Umansky Separation Women's Health Kyle Richards’ Sexuality: Everything the ‘RHOBH’ Star Has Said Amid Mauricio Separation Life&Style Weekly Urologist Who Sexually Abused Patients Is Sentenced to Life in Prison The New York Times Hamilton business owner admits to sexual assault of 19-year-old Hamilton Journal News A Dickinson County Man to Stand Trial on Charges of Criminal Sexual Conduct Against Two Minors Bay Cities Radio Is Sexuality a Matter of First Importance? ChristianityToday.com The Gendered Battle Over Digital Sexual Abuse in South Korea New Lines Magazine Alcohol and sexual assault on college campuses: What is KU doing for prevention? The University Daily Kansan Romanesque churches’ explicitly sexual carvings were ‘the nobility’s political propaganda’ EL PAÍS USA Shawn Mendes Is Still ‘Figuring Out’ His Sexuality. Let’s Give Him—and Others Like Him—Some Grace Vogue Alan Jones, Former Australian Shock Jock, Charged With Sexual Abuse The New York Times Trump’s Latest Cabinet Pick Is Also Mired in a Sexual Abuse Scandal The New Republic 'American Idol' Star Clay Aiken Bizarrely Brings Up Shawn Mendes' Sexuality During Interview Wide Open Country Arsenal fans’ open letter to club over sexual violence concerns attracts 7,300 signatures The Athletic ‘For the very first time I really enjoyed sex!’ − how lesbian escort agencies became a form of self-care in Japan The Conversation A week in France - Le Pen's fake jobs trial, Major shifts in sexuality over the last decade, and Notre-Dame FRANCE 24 English Leacock Township man will spend at least a year in county prison for sexually assaulting teenager LNP | LancasterOnline Senator wants info on inspectors general office sexual harassment settlements - Government Executive Senator wants info on inspectors general office sexual harassment settlements Government Executive Defense pick Hegseth paid accuser but denies sexual assault, attorney says The Washington Post What is demisexuality, a lesser-known sexual orientation that everyone is talking about? - Firstpost Shocking video shows doctor walking around nude, performing sexual act in front of workers Arizona's Family Shawn Mendes Said He Chose To Publicly Discuss His Sexuality Last Month Because He Wants To Live His “Authentic Truth” Yahoo Entertainment Trump Stands by Defense Pick Who Says Encounter With Woman Was Not Sexual Assault The New York Times Sexual harassment lawsuit filed against Lexington rental property owner, manager LEX 18 News - Lexington, KY Cincinnati doctor under investigation by State Medical Board for alleged sexual misconduct WLWT Cincinnati Shawn Mendes opens up onstage about his sexuality: ‘I’m just figuring it out like everyone’ Los Angeles Times On The Intersection Of Criminology & Sexuality Pacific University Las Vegas man accused of sexually harassing 17-year-old waitress in Cedar City restaurant - ABC4.com Orange County choir teacher arrested for alleged sexual relations with teenage student CBS Los Angeles What Is Demisexuality? Im A Celebrity Fame Tulisa Contostavlos Opens Up About Her Sexual Identity Free Press Journal Commissioner’s daughter steps forward as the woman he sexually assaulted in Las Vegas Greenfield Daily Reporter |
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