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Same Sex Commitment Ceremonies - Negotiating the Gendered Nature of Ceremony Traditions
While a commitment ceremony is based on a traditional wedding, so many traditional wedding customs are inherently based on the mixed gender of the couple. There are a number of ways in which this can be addressed for same sex couples. I do not believe it is appropriate for the partners each to take on a heterosexual role. Instead, I suggest that you assign individual customs to the partners instead of entire roles (customs includes who enters first/last, who stands on the right, who takes the first vow, and so on), and also assign customs in duplicate (for example, both partners walk down the aisle instead of just one). In planning a commitment ceremony, you can start with a blank sheet. There are no hard-and-fast customs that everyone believes you MUST adhere to (well, apart from the ring and the always-important kiss after the declaration). As a result, you can do whatever is authentic to you as a couple. You can have whoever you want stand up with you, and you can enter the ceremony space accompanied by whomever you wish. In terms of your attendants/supporters, there is already a precedent for mixed genders in straight wedding parties. Because more and more people are having the people they are close to stand up with them, rather than sticking with the traditional gender divide, we are starting to see a neutralisation of the gender of the roles by referring to the matron/maid of honour/chief bridesmaid and best man as "honour attendants" and bridesmaids and groomsmen as "attendants". The gender bias in straight ceremonies is most obvious in the way that a traditional wedding party's appearance derives all of its flair and colour from the bride and the bridesmaids. The groomsmen, on the other hand, dress in staid black or grey and the identically dressed groom is separated from them solely by his style of boutonni�re. While, for lesbian couples, the choices are more varied, if a gay couple applies the traditional dress code to all the men, the party lacks a focal point because the grooms are then virtually indistinguishable from their attendants. Colour, style, boutonni�res, and type of dress can all be used to bring some colour and differentiation into the wedding party's attire. One of the decisions that needs to be made and conveyed early to your celebrant, is how you want to be referred to and addressed during the ceremony. My advice, stick with your names. Just as your relationship is unique and special, so are your names. Groom and Groom or Bride and Bride can be awkward, Partners has a nice gender-free inclusive ring, and for heavens sake, avoid stereotypical awkwardnesses caused by assigning a "male" role and a "female" role. I sincerely hope I never come across "Bride and Groomette" ever again. Once was enough! Jennifer Cram is a sought-after celebrant, based in Brisbane, Queensland Australia, who has a special interest in delivering one-of-a-kind commitment ceremonies. For more information check out her website http://gl-unions.jennifercram.com or, go to the Ask the Cyber Celebrant blog to ask a question on any aspect of commitment or other ceremonies. Copyright � 2005 Jennifer Cram. You have permission to publish this article electronically or in print, free of charge, as long as the bylines are included. A courtesy copy of your publication would be appreciated.
MORE RESOURCES: New Gender and Sexuality Resource Center website scrubbed of LGBTQ+ language, gender-affirming care resources The Daily Northwestern Judge OKs Iowa limits on K-6 gender identity, sexual orientation teaching but not elective programs ABC News Prosecutor Accused of Sexual Misconduct Takes Leave From International Court The New York Times Barry Diller opens up about his sexuality and marriage to Diane von Furstenberg in revealing memoir NBC News Cambridge Police Investigate Reported Sexual Assault in Harvard Square The Harvard Crimson Sexual Health Clinic Southern Nevada Health District Finding a path to language justice in sexual and reproductive health and rights World Health Organization (WHO) Bay Area ‘sex cult’ workers forced to service wealthy clients sexually: Witnesses Courthouse News Service Author Honor Jones on motherhood, sexual pleasure, and healing. Psychology Today Smokey Robinson is under criminal investigation after housekeepers accuse him of sexual assault NBC News Person sexually assaulted by 2 people in ski masks in Harvard Square, leaving residents on edge CBS News Richfield Middle School employee arrested amid allegations of sexual relationship with student FOX 9 Minneapolis-St. Paul Bethany first selectman faces resignation calls after report finds mishandling of sexual abuse alleg WFSB Sexual Assault Prevention, Response Key Contributors to Military Readiness U.S. Department of Defense (.gov) This former teacher may have sexually abused more than 120 children FOX 9 Minneapolis-St. Paul Gérard Depardieu Found Guilty of Sexual Assault The New York Times Smokey Robinson under criminal investigation after sexual assault allegations by ex-employees Los Angeles Times French actor Gérard Depardieu convicted, sentenced for sexually assaulting 2 women on film set CBS News John Reid imbroglio tests gender, sexuality and privacy standards in Virginia politics Virginia Mercury Redlands teacher arrested for allegedly sexually abusing child ABC7 Los Angeles Criminal investigation opened in rape and sexual assault allegations against Smokey Robinson AP News French actor Gérard Depardieu found guilty of sexual assault, given 18-month suspended sentence KTLA Your women’s, gender and sexuality studies degree isn’t useless — it’s essential to maintaining democracy The Tufts Daily WATCH: “Southern Hospitality’s” Lake Rucker Talks Exploring her Sexuality and Season 3 Drama - GLAAD Not Just a Joke: Understanding & Preventing Gender- & Sexuality-Based Bigotry Southern Poverty Law Center The Unusual Epistle that Helps Me Counsel on Sexuality Christianity Today Ex-model testifying that Harvey Weinstein sexually assaulted her questioned about private journal Spectrum News NY1 Top Sexual Assault Hotline RAINN Caves to Trump in Chilling Move The New Republic Suffolk DA: Ex-Lindenhurst school employee shared videos of himself sexually abusing child News 12 - Long Island JoJo Siwa Clarifies Her Sexuality on 'Celebrity Big Brother' Weeks After Mickey Rourke's Exit People.com Sean 'Diddy' Combs' sexual assault lawsuits: A timeline of alleged incidents, 1991 to 2024 USA Today Billionaire California winery owner sued for allegedly sexually harassing former employee San Francisco Chronicle Executive Order Targets Prohibitions Against Sexual Orientation and Gender Expression Discrimination Littler Mendelson P.C. Let’s talk about sex: Exploring the psychology of human sexuality The Rocky Mountain Collegian After a sometimes graphic debate, Texas House advances bill limiting kids’ access to sexually explicit books in libraries The Texas Tribune The surprising history of sex and sexuality in America Connecticut Public Pentagon Reaches Settlement With Veterans Dismissed Over Sexuality The New York Times Robbie Williams on Sexuality Rumors: ‘You’ve Never Met Somebody That Wants to Be Gay as Much as Me’ Variety Former Freedom for Youth Ministries employee charged with sexual abuse of 7-year-old - weareiowa.com The Texas Legislature is having big battles over gender and sexuality. Track them here. The Texas Tribune |
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